Moray Flow 2 announced for stranded gulf tankers

Locals infuriated that no local consultation was carried out, government says it's a national security issue

Artist's impression of Moray Flow 2 at 10% capacity

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Nairn locals woke up to a major plot twist in the ongoing Moray Flow saga when it was announced with no warning that a large area off Nairn would be used to park oil tankers unable to enter the Persian Gulf due to the ongoing blockade of the Strait of Hormuz. It is estimated that around 3,000 tankers are unable to make the passage and a significant portion of these will be redirected to the Moray Firth until a ceasefire is reached.

"It's absolutely ridiculous," said local resident Graeme Fuller, a retired fire constable. "I've lived in Nairn for my whole entire retirement. I didn't retire here six weeks ago to get my pristine sea view marred by any kind of man-made objects. Disgraceful."

While Mr Fuller's opinion echoes the howling fury of the townspeople, the view from outside Nairn is quite different. "Well, they need to go somewhere," says Heinrich Öltrinker, CEO of Solutions for Marine Engineering and General Machinery Administration corporation, the masterminds behind Flow 2. "The Moray Firth is deep, sheltered, and in global shipping terms practically next door to Hormuz. We think it'll have a very positive impact on the local economy as the thousands of crewmen arriving in the Firth will want to come ashore to use the services in Nairn such as the hospital."

"We understand that this is the only possible place in the entire world that we can put these tankers," said Prime Minister Keir Starmer at a press conference on the crisis. "Nowhere else is suitable for storing large pieces of marine equipment. The Moray Firth really is unique in this regard. Much like how His Excellency Donald Trump is a uniquely talented businessman and probably the best president of the United States ever and a great friend of mine and just all round a wonderful guy."

Plans to protest were quickly organised to take place on the town beach by local residents. However just as quickly this was abandoned because "that soft sand is hard to walk through with my dodgy hip" and "BBC weather says it'll be a bit windy I'd rather stay inside" according to the organisers.

A more dramatic response was claimed by an organisation calling itself the Inverness Revolutionary Guard Corps. "We warn the London-Edinburgh axis of imperialism: if you dare park your tankers here there will be dire consequences. Our view will not be ruined by cowardly Anglo-Saxon profiteers. We have been training our Special Complaints Submission Unit for several weeks for this. One of our warriors has already martyred ten minutes of his time to write up a formal objection using an online template. The deluge of fire is coming - you have been warned." The IRGC did not respond to a request for comment.

The first tankers are expected to be moored off Nairn at noon today.